Day 5, I Miss My Dog

Luna 3 years ago.

He was my mum's dog who needed company after my dad died but he was also my partner's, Lee and myself as we visited her most days. Lee would take him out, I would too in the early days before he got too unruly with other dogs. He was terrible at the beginning, an untrained, destructive ball of mischief with no social skills and no comprehension. It took us all a long time to work with him and with help from trainers. One actually thought he had serious mental problems. At times we almost gave up on him. I actually started to write down all the little stories and events. Must try and dig that out. It may help us heal a bit remembering all the little things although I'm not sure we will ever forget as he was so naughty.

So it's Day 5, I am including the day he died 22 November 2019 as it was in the early hours of the morning. I tried to clear away most of his things that first day. It was so painful to see everything. I washed his towels and blankets and we gave the birds and creatures all the opened biscuits and treats he had. The rest we were supposed to take to the dog's home but we haven't yet as we can't face it. We all had one of his chewed up toys and I kept one of his smelly blankets. I cuddle this and smell it every day. I curl up on his sofa and cuddle his cushion. The tears are still flowing but the sobbing has stopped, mostly. I have all the usual What If? questions but I know that is pointless. We did the best we could for him at the time. He wasn't crying or in pain and now he is with his mum. We just have to accept our grief and cope in any way we can. His picture, some flowers and a candle are on our woodburner. I lit the candle and let it burn all day so that he could find his way.

We are all remembering and sharing our stories with each other. It is so sad but we are smiling too. I am crying again as I write this.

Emails to a Friend. She has been so supportive the whole time.

Monday, 25 November

I think I'm going to write this week off as we are all still numb so I guess we will be like this for some time. Sorry to hear you lost your Brenin. It's so hard when we love them so much. Only pet lovers know the pain and it is the same as losing a person.

I'm glad I didn't even think about ringing the vet with Luna. I doubt if they could have done anything except mess him around.

Still can't talk much. We tried to go out yesterday and went to Riverside for lunch. As we were going in Harry and his father were coming out. Tried to smile and say hello but we just went in. Hope they don't think we were rude :( Anyway, none of us really wanted to be there but thought we should try and go out. We didn't eat much and decided that we weren't ready to go out, so I will no doubt become a hermit.

Tuesday, 26 November

Lee's sister rang yesterday and I hadn't told him about it as I didn't expect her to ring, so he was in bits. She said Luna had passed over and was with his mum. It didn't register for a moment but she meant his doggy mum which is so lovely and I never for a moment would ever have thought that. More tears but much more happy for him knowing he is okay and may visit us from time to time. I guess there will be more tears today. The mornings are worse. It's starting to feel like he isn't here now :(

I started a blog about it all. Lee won't read it but I'm hoping people in the same position will find it and feel they can comment if they have no-one else to talk to. I'm not sure it's live yet as I can't find it with a general search.

Messages from Beyond

I read the contents of the envelope from the crematorium: certificate of cremation, sympathy card and beautiful poem about the Rainbow Bridge. More tears. I want to go to the rainbow bridge so badly.

The emotional roller coaster starts. I always said I would never have another dog and then we got Luna for my mum.

She said we should get another dog, the house is empty and we can offer a nice home. I totally agree they are great company, love unconditionally, become part of the family etc etc but they are also a tie, a worry, hard work and expensive if things go wrong, kennels etc. But, we could give another rescue dog a chance of a happy life. So I looked on the internet. I was a bit happier. We could help another dog.

But, I really shouldn't have looked, it was much too soon. I didn't like any of them. They were not Luna and I couldn't see another dog running round our home so soon. I am nowhere near ready, I miss Luna so much.

Email to friend, again.

Monday, 25 November 2019

What are the odds of 3 Luna's in a row?

Mum is talking about getting another dog for company and because the house is so empty. Lee and I talked about it and I was even looking at all the strays on-line but none of them called out to me and I just ended up crying because I don't want any of them. Plus 3 in a row came up one was called Lee Lou, then Luna then Luna Moon. Mum and me used to get mixed up sometimes and call out for LuLee when we wanted one of them. I am definitely not ready for another dog, maybe a lot later we can decide and discussed it again. Now I keep thinking he is trying to contact us and that he hasn't made it the Rainbow Bridge. Going to contact Lee's sister as she is a medium and helps guide others on the other side. What a mess I am.

Lee's sister called today. Lee answered and couldn't really speak but the message was amazing. Luna is fine and is with his mother. It didn't sink in at first but she meant his doggy mum. I would never have thought of that in a million years. I really smiled. This has helped me so much. When I am down  which is most of the time, I will think of him happy again with his mum. He was a rescue dog so I am so pleased he found his mum again. More tears.