Day 10 of Losing our Dog

RIP Luna, we love you.

We still miss our Luna so much. The crying is getting a little less if we don't talk about it or think about it too much, but Luna is still on our minds every minute of the day. I was watching a film last night and had to keep rewinding because I had no idea what was going on. My mind just wanders off to Luna and how much I miss him. We all do. I still have no motivation, the house is still empty. He had such a presence even when he was asleep.

Mum keeps asking me when the new dog is coming and I keep repeating the same things to her. She isn't usually this bad but I can see how much this is affecting her too. She now has a stinking cold on top of it all.

The lady from the greyhound rescue called yesterday they are having a Santa's fundraising next Saturday and a couple of the greyhounds we were interested in will be there. I have said we will go. This will be a great opportunity to meet the dogs informally and I can have a chat to the lady who is currently fostering the one we are really interested in. I am really in two minds about this. I didn't want another dog yet and maybe never, but I know I will fully commit to it and will again, love it with all my heart. The new dog will probably outlast my mother and I am okay with that. It will be good to see if both Lee and myself have a bond. I am pleased that it is a week away and I can try and forget about it until the time. I still want to think about Luna and the good times. **Update** I have just found out that greyhounds may chase/kill sheep. Can't risk it where we are. There are 2 fields of sheep adjacent to us and we back on to a Llama field that has babies. Even though we have a 6ft enclosed area it is not fair on the dog or us to have to watch his every move. Here we go again.

I planned on this being the last post but if we have a new addition I will share this with you.

For now though, Rest In Peace our lovely Luna Dog.

Our OCD dog

Luna following Lee

Dog proofing the fence

Lee and his Dog

A few decisions were made yesterday. We decided Ollie was not the one and Lee actually said he was pleased I'd got my head screwed on and was choosing this one. Not in those words though. He always looks with his heart which is okay but we have to be practical too. I must be a bit odd though because I even think about the amount of poo and size and have mentioned this to him as well. I think this comes from having a very healthy and large german shepherd. Bless his runny tummy in those later years.

Things are moving on the greyhound front and we are being assessed next week. I went to the pet shop with mum and we bought some toys and new bowls. We will need a few more things. I was sad in the pet shop but we fussed a couple of lovely dogs there. They were so calm, happy and well behaved. We could never have taken Luna to a pet shop, he would be so excited and would be playing with all the toys and jumping to greet everyone. I miss him so much and all the lovely cuddles we had. He was the only dog I could really cuddle that loved big bear hugs. He would have let me cuddle and fuss him all day ... as long as Lee wasn't there because it was him that he followed mostly and although he had a special bond with me and mum he shared himself differently with each of us. I swear he had OCD as he had so many rituals during the day that he had made up himself and stuck to and he would tell us if we forgot. He used to walk around slugs, snails and puddles. He had to have his treats in a particular order and he knew if you had changed brand because the shop had run out of his usual. He would just look at us as if to say "who are you trying to kid". He loved taking his tablets as he thought they were treats. He trusted us totally and gave us so much love. The early days were completely different, he even fractured Lee's leg running into him with his head because he couldn't stop.

Email to a Friend, 30 November (Day 9)

I've let the lady at the Horeb rescue centre know that we don't think we are suitable for Ollie purely because of the breed and also because another turn of events has happened. She also sent a picture of him sitting on the lap of her husband with his paw on his face. I know he will be a lovely dog for the right person and it breaks my heart that it is not us.

I have always said that I would rescue a greyhound when I was in a position to do so mainly due to their size and also exercise requirements. I love lurchers too but they are a bit too energetic. Anyway, I looked at the rescue centre website in Wales, I have been avoiding it and have now learned that their exercise requirements are more in line with what we can offer. Two twenty minute walks a day and a play area etc. There was one dog that totally stuck out to me and I immediately felt that he was the right dog for us. I am still worried about size and still not sure that I want the commitment of another dog. I don't think new dog owners realise how much time and contact they need and that's why a lot of them end up in a rescue centre. The dog has a story too and has a metal plate in his leg, like so many who have been raced and broken legs beyond repair. He is relatively new there and has spent most of his time in the hospital and recovering so although they've done an assessment I'm not sure how accurate this will be as he is not totally healed yet (I think). I have applied to adopt him and also named another one that was of interest.

After speaking to Lee and mum they are on board as Lee has always loved greyhounds too. We always stop by when we see them on fundraising stalls and they are so calm, gentle and lovely that I know this is the right breed and temperament that we are looking for. They have rung me back and come back with another 2 names that I have had a look at. I have ruled one out as he is much larger but there is another female that I am definitely considering also. I ruled her out because it said she would need another dog. She also might be a bit more of a handful, and I think she probably has separation anxiety. Luna had this too so that is not really an issue for us. But the more I look at her the more I think we should meet her too and see which one we connect with.

All this and I still know that I am not ready. The deciding factor is that my mum is going downhill. She is so upset and is getting confused and dizzy again. I really need to keep an eye on her. Yesterday I asked if she wanted to go to the pet shop with me to get some things and she said yes. She never wants to go out anywhere and I really have to persuade her. She also said hello and stroked a couple of dogs that were down the aisles and it lifted her spirits. She's also been asking me everyday when the dog is coming. I know this isn't the way to make a long term decision. I am so confused and still upset about Luna.

You are going to think I'm nuts but I have a pack of ancestor/guardian cards and I draw one out every now and then to see what they have to say. Last night I picked the animal guardian card which is basically telling me how animals can show us how to enjoy life, show true emotion etc and bring so much loving experience. This is the deal breaker for me. I am just going to go with it now. I still have doubts but we will meet these 2 rescues. Another lady contacted me yesterday and is coming next Friday for the assessment. She couldn't get us in earlier but I think this is fine as it was all happening too fast. Hopefully, my mum will look forward to that although she keeps thinking they are bringing our dog to us.

Lee has said not to say anything at archery as he still can't speak about it yet. He's just going to say that my hand is bad for me which is true. I know I won't be strong enough to hide my emotions but I think next week I might be okay, we'll see.

A Turmoil of Feelings and a new Greyhound?

Our Luna, such a spoilt boy

Everyone is still so up and down. Such a mix of emotions. Luna is still on our minds every minute of the day, mix this up with the thought of having another dog and whether that dog will be the right one. I'm just not sure, but I'm leaning more towards 'not' due to the breed and energy levels, whether we could take him out, what he would be like with guests/children. I think I need to be sure. I have been in this position before, grieving over a dog that had just died and having another dog pushed onto me, and a german shepherd at that. I don't regret it though, I had 12 wonderful years with him.

Then there's mum. She seems so lost and keeps asking when we are going to get another dog and will the dog be coming today, the house is so empty, she feels so empty. I'm worried that this is too much stress for her and will push her into having another stroke. This is the real deal breaker for me. I don't want her to feel alone, even though she is with us and we are at home most of the time. I guess she feels that I have Lee and she has no-one. It was always me, Lee, mum and Luna. Again, the tears are starting.

I was looking on the internet yesterday and found a greyhound rescue centre, not too far either. I have always said that I would give a greyhound a home one day. I thought they would be high maintenance but they are not. They don't need excessive exercise, just two 20 minute walks a day, somewhere to run and play, lounge about, sleep, cuddle and generally want a quiet life to live out the rest of their days. There are horrendous stories and greyhound racing is such a cruel sport, but that's for another time.

So I found the right dog. I fell in love with his picture and his story and talked about it with Lee and mum. We have all agreed to giving him, or another, a home. So I have registered with them and a lady called me last night to say someone will be in touch for a home visit and to answer any questions we may have. This is all happening so fast and I am not ready yet, but I do want it to happen quickly for my mum. She has started to get confused over things and I'm worried for her.

Today I have said we will go to the pet shop and get some new toys and things for the newbie. She never wants to go out but I think she will enjoy this trip. I need to get her back to normality. For me this is only the 8th day and I am still grieving. I don't want to lose the memory of Luna so soon. I am still so sad.

Day 7 of Grieving for our Dog

Totally Asleep

Just waking up

... and stretch :)

Thought I'd put up a few crazy photos of our Luna. He actually was asleep when I started to take these but as soon as I moved about to get the camera he started to wake up. These really make me smile. So many good memories.

I can't believe where the week has gone. Still feels like yesterday when we lost our Luna dog. I have been trawling the internet looking at dog bereavement blogs/sites and also Rescue dogs. I know I'm still not ready and neither is Lee or my Mum but they think we should offer another dog a home.

I wasn't too bad yesterday, cried in the morning as usual, sniffed and cuddled Luna's blanket again but just can't get motivated to do anything, even the cooking. We are eating but none of us are hungry. Had a good chat with Lee's daughter. The night was a different story, cried as I lay in bed thinking about our Luna and all sorts of crazy thoughts, especially about the Rainbow bridge and how I will get there when our next dog passes. I will be old then and there will be no point sticking around if I am on my own.

Email to Friend, 28 November

We still haven't given up on Ollie the Sprollie. I have asked lots of questions about him and the lady is going to take him out in public and see how he is. She seems so kind. It seems he is a bit over protective and will run at people barking at them and may nip but he would probably be on a lead with us anyway. I would just be happy to be able to walk along the beach with him. I've got a few concerns about him being a cross with a collie and whether we would be able to fill his energy needs and do we really want to, after our crazy mad Luna.  I am not at fit as you and I can't do long walking because of my knees and ankle. Lee is okay but is committed to work too. It's also a quiet home so not sure he would get the stimulus he needs. He did seem lovely and quiet in the kennels but so was Luna until we got him home. He would definitely get all the love and cuddles though. Another worry is the sheep all around us and Llamas. I am so confused. I have messaged her to say all this. I hope she doesn't think I'm a time waster.

It's got on the website about the Labradoodles. Looks like a breeder couldn't find homes so they ended up there :( I guess they didn't want to put the real truth on there.

I think I would be like you and not be able to foster, I couldn't part with any of them. I'm glad you are sharing your experience, not a know it all :)

I don't mind you sharing with people why we weren't at archery but will ask Lee as he might go on Saturday and it could be easier for him if he doesn't have to explain. Will let you know. I don't know if I can go as I am such an open book and will just cry. Crying now just thinking of this situation.

Your girls are so comical :) Truffs is so funny. I will enjoy meeting them eventually.

A Visit to the Dogs Home

Our Luna dog having a kip on mum's bed

Email to a Friend

Wednesday, 27 November

Yesterday was the strangest day. Awoke with the usual tears, I don't know why it is worse in the mornings. Then went to the vet to settle up vet fees from Luna's blood test, urine test and lab results. A bit tearful and couldn't speak when I went in there. (Here come the tears again). 

Then we went to the dog's home in Horeb to donate Luna's old towels, dog blankets and bed that he didn't use very often. The pile for the dog's home was getting smaller as I keep taking things out to keep. Anyway, I asked if we could say hello to their dogs. They only had 4 longer term residents. 2 massive wolf like dogs, mother and son, a beautiful grey collie quite young and so friendly but a bit bouncy for us and another cross breed called Ollie who has issues. Another dog was out at a foster home. I'm quite glad about that as I had seen him on the internet and he was a young lurcher. Absolutely beautiful. I can't understand why he is in a home. But, they had just had a delivery of puppies LabraDoodles, OMG I could have lay down in that kennel and let them run all over me. They were all at the bars trying to get fuss and lick and nibble my fingers. Talk about therapy. Absolutely beautiful. Lee wasn't that taken with them and he was fussing "Ollie the Sprollie". We swapped over and I gave Ollie a little fuss. He was a bit nervous and was at the back of his kennel to begin with but came up to the bars slowly and then had a fuss. I know he had issues as I had read on the website that a couple of the dogs nipped and I had ruled them all out. Not being ready.

The drive back home was strange, so many mixed emotions including guilt and a few held in tears. We are not ready, We miss Luna, We will check the internet about Ollie. Why would anyone breed LabraDoodles just to put them in a home just before Christmas? I am so sad for all these dogs.

I had a look on the internet and it seems he has been in the same kennels 3 times. A very loving and loyal dog that is protective of his owners. Seems the last people had him a year and then brought him back and the previous owners let him loose on their caravan park and the guests were frightened of him. They had him 2 years. Poor Ollie, but he needs to fit our needs of having a dog we can take out on the lead where there are people and dogs. I think he is okay with other dogs but not so sure of the people issue .... and we are not ready for another dog.

What a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm glad you found comfort in Lee's sister's message. He has definitely left our house now. Lee is so sad, he can feel it too but I told him it wasn't fair to Luna to hold on and that he is now where he should be. It's still hard but we are getting better each day. It will be 6 days today. I don't know where the week has gone.

Day 5, I Miss My Dog

Luna 3 years ago.

He was my mum's dog who needed company after my dad died but he was also my partner's, Lee and myself as we visited her most days. Lee would take him out, I would too in the early days before he got too unruly with other dogs. He was terrible at the beginning, an untrained, destructive ball of mischief with no social skills and no comprehension. It took us all a long time to work with him and with help from trainers. One actually thought he had serious mental problems. At times we almost gave up on him. I actually started to write down all the little stories and events. Must try and dig that out. It may help us heal a bit remembering all the little things although I'm not sure we will ever forget as he was so naughty.

So it's Day 5, I am including the day he died 22 November 2019 as it was in the early hours of the morning. I tried to clear away most of his things that first day. It was so painful to see everything. I washed his towels and blankets and we gave the birds and creatures all the opened biscuits and treats he had. The rest we were supposed to take to the dog's home but we haven't yet as we can't face it. We all had one of his chewed up toys and I kept one of his smelly blankets. I cuddle this and smell it every day. I curl up on his sofa and cuddle his cushion. The tears are still flowing but the sobbing has stopped, mostly. I have all the usual What If? questions but I know that is pointless. We did the best we could for him at the time. He wasn't crying or in pain and now he is with his mum. We just have to accept our grief and cope in any way we can. His picture, some flowers and a candle are on our woodburner. I lit the candle and let it burn all day so that he could find his way.

We are all remembering and sharing our stories with each other. It is so sad but we are smiling too. I am crying again as I write this.

Emails to a Friend. She has been so supportive the whole time.

Monday, 25 November

I think I'm going to write this week off as we are all still numb so I guess we will be like this for some time. Sorry to hear you lost your Brenin. It's so hard when we love them so much. Only pet lovers know the pain and it is the same as losing a person.

I'm glad I didn't even think about ringing the vet with Luna. I doubt if they could have done anything except mess him around.

Still can't talk much. We tried to go out yesterday and went to Riverside for lunch. As we were going in Harry and his father were coming out. Tried to smile and say hello but we just went in. Hope they don't think we were rude :( Anyway, none of us really wanted to be there but thought we should try and go out. We didn't eat much and decided that we weren't ready to go out, so I will no doubt become a hermit.

Tuesday, 26 November

Lee's sister rang yesterday and I hadn't told him about it as I didn't expect her to ring, so he was in bits. She said Luna had passed over and was with his mum. It didn't register for a moment but she meant his doggy mum which is so lovely and I never for a moment would ever have thought that. More tears but much more happy for him knowing he is okay and may visit us from time to time. I guess there will be more tears today. The mornings are worse. It's starting to feel like he isn't here now :(

I started a blog about it all. Lee won't read it but I'm hoping people in the same position will find it and feel they can comment if they have no-one else to talk to. I'm not sure it's live yet as I can't find it with a general search.

Messages from Beyond

I read the contents of the envelope from the crematorium: certificate of cremation, sympathy card and beautiful poem about the Rainbow Bridge. More tears. I want to go to the rainbow bridge so badly.

The emotional roller coaster starts. I always said I would never have another dog and then we got Luna for my mum.

She said we should get another dog, the house is empty and we can offer a nice home. I totally agree they are great company, love unconditionally, become part of the family etc etc but they are also a tie, a worry, hard work and expensive if things go wrong, kennels etc. But, we could give another rescue dog a chance of a happy life. So I looked on the internet. I was a bit happier. We could help another dog.

But, I really shouldn't have looked, it was much too soon. I didn't like any of them. They were not Luna and I couldn't see another dog running round our home so soon. I am nowhere near ready, I miss Luna so much.

Email to friend, again.

Monday, 25 November 2019

What are the odds of 3 Luna's in a row?

Mum is talking about getting another dog for company and because the house is so empty. Lee and I talked about it and I was even looking at all the strays on-line but none of them called out to me and I just ended up crying because I don't want any of them. Plus 3 in a row came up one was called Lee Lou, then Luna then Luna Moon. Mum and me used to get mixed up sometimes and call out for LuLee when we wanted one of them. I am definitely not ready for another dog, maybe a lot later we can decide and discussed it again. Now I keep thinking he is trying to contact us and that he hasn't made it the Rainbow Bridge. Going to contact Lee's sister as she is a medium and helps guide others on the other side. What a mess I am.

Lee's sister called today. Lee answered and couldn't really speak but the message was amazing. Luna is fine and is with his mother. It didn't sink in at first but she meant his doggy mum. I would never have thought of that in a million years. I really smiled. This has helped me so much. When I am down  which is most of the time, I will think of him happy again with his mum. He was a rescue dog so I am so pleased he found his mum again. More tears.